Wednesday, April 25, 2012
the unfinished business of feelings
Today is another day, my friends!
I just want to take a quick second to say thank you to everyone that sent love my way after reading my last post. The support was overwhelming to me (in the most wonderful way), and it was really comforting to know that so many people out there were with me, hoping that I didn't remain a weird bumpy lizard for the rest of my life (see, isn't it just more fun to crack jokes than be all dramatic? Yes, yes it is. Like I said, today is another day!)
I actually read back over my last post today for the first time (I typically read back over at least once or twice to proofread after each post, but couldn't bring myself to last night after hitting 'publish'). Honestly, I found it to be on the verge of unbearable to read. I know why I had to write it, but I still really hated hearing my inner self in such a defeated position. Nobody likes to admit when they feel knocked down, so doing that just felt so unnatural to me. Also, I typically try to stay away from making things more dramatic than they need to be. (Okay, that's a big fat lie. I LOVE making things dramatic if it's going to make it funnier. But in serious matters where it actually counts, I do tend to avoid the whole "whoa is me" persona because I find it terribly undesirable.) So you can imagine why playing the damsel in distress card so publicly was a bit unsettling as well. Still, at the end of the day, putting all of that out on the table provided even more of a therapeutic effect than I had originally expected.
You see, I'm the type of person that needs to feel things.
We all have our own ways of coping with challenges and bad feelings. Some of us run from them, some of us mask them with humor. Me? I absorb them like a sponge. I let them creep into my whole being so that I can first feel them deeply, then spit them back out never to return again. After that they become old feelings - fulfilled feelings - and they have no business with me anymore. Kind of a weird analogy, but I think of it like the classic definition of ghosts - souls that have unfinished business, right? (Thank you, Casper, you gem of a film.) Once I let my bad feelings have their shot at simply being felt, they no longer have unfinished business and they can pass on to the other side. Like rain clouds that get heavier and heavier until eventually the bottom just opens up and everything comes flooding out. And once the cloud let's it all finally rain down, only then can it become light again. The point is, my coping mechanism is that I need to feel things in order to overcome them - sadness, frustration, fear... you name it, and I want to feel it so I can get rid of it.
And that's what yesterday's post was about. So thank you for understanding that. Thank you for allowing me to be honest, to write something that wasn't well-thought out or entertaining (not to mention something long! Sometimes you just don't know how much is on your mind until you uncork the bottle and start pouring.) Thank you for letting me be extremely vulnerable (like, trembling as I wrote the thing vulnerable) and for replying to that honesty with Facebook messages and comments, tweets and texts of love and support. To you all that went out of your way to say "chin up," your time wasn't spent in vain. Today I felt optimistic, hopeful and calm. I feel confident that soon this whole thing will be just a blip on my timeline.
I also want to say that there are those of you out there reading that are going through much worse. Whether it's a health struggle, an emotional struggle, or any struggle really, we all have things that kick us in the butt at some point. They are life's curveballs, and no matter how grave or trivial, how overwhelming or minute they might be, it doesn't matter because they are all curveballs just the same. Even the smallest of armies can win a war by catching the other side off-guard, and that's because there is great power in the element of surprise. My point is that I get it - it's a skin thing. It's not the end of the world. But the fear of the unknown can sometimes be the most paralyzing of all. And when something in life hits you so unexpectedly, it doesn't matter the circumstances, it's hard to adapt.
Either way, I just want to say thank you for making me feel that my feelings are valid, and that being upset can be okay. We all have sad days, but it's how you turn those around that defines who you are. I have a saying that some of you may recognize from earlier posts, but my personal mantra is that happiness is a choice. You can't always choose not to get knocked down, but you can certainly choose whether or not to stay down.
Today's visit to the doctor unfortunately didn't provide any definitive answers for me. But we'll keep trying and I'll keep hoping for the day (someday soon) when this isn't a worry for me anymore.
The feelings have been felt, the business has been finished, the rainclouds have been emptied.
Room has been made for some happier days ahead.